


bittersweet

by thatoneinsecurenerd



Series: expanding canon [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Food, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Post-Break Up, Religion, is it considered a songfic if i wrote the song?, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27508093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatoneinsecurenerd/pseuds/thatoneinsecurenerd
Summary: Takes place after my ficHoneymoon Phase(which takes place after FWSA)Thomas and Nico have broken up, and now all Thomas has left of him is the memories and lingering sadness.
Relationships: Nico Flores/Thomas Sanders
Series: expanding canon [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010352
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I need to tag something and I will asap
> 
> (Yes, I wrote the song about the same relationship that inspired Honeymoon Phase - hence why this is a series now. I’m debating posting a recording of the song to my depressing Tumblr, so if that’s something you might be interested in seeing, let me know.)

**_The phantom taste_ **

**_Of your lips on mine_ **

**_Is bittersweet._ **

After the breakup, Thomas was quick to at least hide from his line of sight anything that reminded him of his relationship with Nico. A relationship that no longer was, and therefore, Thomas shouldn’t be thinking about. So why was he thinking about it? 

Why did his mind insist on replaying different moments of their relationship? Why did his mind insist on replaying their first kiss? 

_It had been something hesitant. Nico had dropped Thomas back at his house after a date at a small Mexican restaurant (that Nico didn’t have the heart to tell Thomas until much later that the food had drastically paled in comparison to the food his_ _Mamá_ _had always made him growing up, after which Thomas admitted that he thought that might be the case – he was friends with Valerie, after all, and she was very much the same way – but he couldn’t resist the sexiness that was sure to be Nico’s accent when he spoke Spanish. And Thomas hadn’t been wrong)._

_They’d held hands walking up to Thomas’ front door, but there was still this urge in both of them to get closer to one another. Until they could feel each other’s breath as they both spoke at the same time, the same words falling from lips they’d been stealing glances at all night. “Can I...? Yes.”_

_It was hesitant only as they figured out how they fit together. How much should they tilt their head? How hard was too hard to press – implying going farther than either of them was ready to go at the moment?_

_But they quickly got the hang of it. Nico’s lips were soft and gentle and just a little bit wet on Thomas’ own. He tasted faintly like the carne_ _asada_ _burrito he’d ordered. His hands were gentle as they slipped out of Thomas’ and onto his waist. Nico’s curly hair was soft under Thomas’ own hands._

_He found himself no longer worrying about the mechanics of the kiss, only losing himself in the wonderful feeling of someone else’s lips on his own. As if it was his first kiss and not his who-knew-how-many-_ _th_ _?_

Why couldn’t he erase the phantom senses of that moment and all the others from his brain? 

**_And the swirling in my stomach_ **

**_Isn’t butterflies,_ **

**_It’s missing you,_ **

**_It’s missing us._ **

His stomach swirled as these thoughts swam through his brain, feeling more similar to the way his stomach had swirled a couple hours after their date at the Mexican restaurant, as the refried beans that had topped his loaded nachos made themselves known, than the butterflies that would fill his stomach every time he'd looked Nico’s way and remembered how lucky he was to land a man so perfect he felt like a missing puzzle piece to his soul. The butterflies he’d felt during that first kiss. 

**_They’re something I want,_ **

**_But I can’t have._ **

**_You’re something I want,_ **

**_But I can’t have._ **

Why did missing Nico feel this bad? Why couldn’t those butterflies be the same butterflies that gave Virgil shimmery, purple eyeshadow? Why couldn’t Thomas get Nico back? 

**_I’m still learning how to move on._ **

**_I’m still trying to let go._ **

Thomas could tell you how many weeks it had been since that fateful day. He could remember every moment of that talk with Nico. He could remember the pain in his chest as his heart figuratively (as Logan would remind him, denying that he, too, was adversely affected by the ordeal) broke. 

He knew he was supposed to move on with is life, return to making YouTube videos and pleasing his fans. Return to going out with his friends and laughing, even though the act of laughing seemed like something so foreign to him. 

He was always making people smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d worn a smile of his own. 

**_The phantom sense_ **

**_Of your hand in mine_ **

**_Is killing me._ **

Florida was known for being a Conservative state, so even holding Nico’s hand – under the table of some restaurant, in the darkness of a movie theater, or in the privacy of one of their own homes – felt like a luxury. Felt like something wonderful. 

And the feeling of that, too, seemed to be a joyful memory that his mind liked to revisit literal months after the breakup. Thomas felt a phantom weight on his hand, his fingers subconsciously curling to grasp something that was no longer there. 

**_And the tears filling up my eyes,_ **

**_Are not happiness,_ **

**_It’s loneliness,_ **

**_It’s depression._ **

He could feel tears pricking at his eyes as his heart became overwhelmed by all of these memories, all of these feelings. These feelings it felt like he would never have again. These memories he probably wouldn’t make with anyone else. 

_God_ , he was going to be alone for the rest of his life. No one had ever stayed with him before. Why would they now that he was so obviously broken? 

**_They’re something I don’t want,_ **

**_But I have._ **

**_You’re something I don’t have,_ **

**_And I shouldn’t want._ **

It felt so hopeless, to wipe the tears from his eyes and get back to the life he’d had before the relationship. As if the relationship hadn’t ever existed. As if every night and day he didn’t silently beg the God he’d grown up believing in that Nico would change his mind and take Thomas back. 

**_I’m still learning how to move on._ **

**_I’m still trying to let go._ **

He figured he should know better. After all, it wasn’t his first failed relationship. And he’d managed to move past all the others. He’d learned the lesson he felt like he was meant to learn from the experience. 

He figured he should be able to do this, but _god_ , it was so tempting to just try to forget everything. 

**_The memories are bittersweet,_ **

**_But I’d rather forget._ **

**_I’d rather erase this pain,_ **

**_‘Cause_ ** **_I’m sick and tired_ **

**_Of feeling this way._ **

Was it possible to forget how someone made you feel? To shove the bittersweet memories into the very depths of your mind so that you forget the person, the relationship, and the feeling when it ended? 

It seemed, to Thomas, like it would hurt much less than this hurt that he was still feeling months later. That he’d been feeling since all those months ago. 

He was tired of feeling this way. Of waking up each day and wishing he could forget it all or reverse time so that it had never happened in the first place. 

**_I don’t regret us for a moment,_ **

**_Only that we lasted a moment._ **

Despite the fact that he wanted to forget it all, he couldn’t hate Nico for what had happened, for the way he’d found himself feeling. The way that even right up to the very end, he’d had Thomas’ best interests in mind. 

How could he regret finding someone like that and letting them in, no matter the consequences? How could he regret anything other than the fact that the universe had bigger, better plans for the both of them somewhere down the line? 

**_I didn’t think the last time would be the last._ **

**_But now it’s happy never after._ **

**_It feels like I’ll love you forever after._ **

Maybe all these conflicting feelings were the reason he had yet to move on. 

Or maybe it was that he had never expected it to happen. He didn’t know their last date would be their last date, their last kiss would be their last kiss. He would have cherished those moments more if he had he thought that. But isn’t that what everyone said? 

How did they get over that feeling? How did they go from envisioning a happily ever after to accepting that they’d actually been destined for happy never after? 

Thomas felt like he would love Nico forever after, even if there was a part of him that knew that wasn’t true. 

**_I'm still learning how to move on._ **

**_I’m still learning to let go._ **

**_Maybe it’s getting easier,_ **

**_But I wouldn’t know._ **

_Could that be considered moving on?_ Thomas didn’t know. He couldn’t remember. 

His mind was too filled with these bittersweet memories and feelings.


	2. Not a chapter update!

I don't know if anyone was actually interested in hearing the song that inspired this little drabble, but I've finally uploaded it, and you can find [here](https://youtu.be/M9xH7xM7TzA). 

I hope you'll listen to it and enjoy it. <3

**Author's Note:**

> This took me significantly longer to type than usual because I used my old-as-fuck laptop. ~~_Please_ leave kudos or a comment so I can feel like getting pissed at my broken keyboard and mousepad wasn’t for nothing.~~


End file.
